Never in a million years would I have thought that I would have days where I hide away. If you were to ask anyone that knows me, they would definitely say that it is out of character. Having Arthritis is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and I’m still fighting it every day. That doesn’t always mean I win though, I put up a good fight but arthritis usually conquers.
There are days where I can’t move out of bed and others when even the slightest pain in my body makes me want to give up and stay hidden away in my bedroom. At the age of 21, I didn’t think that this is where my life would end up. I wouldn’t have imagined before my diagnosis that I’d be wheelchair bound and having to rely on those around me for the simplest of tasks. Most days this gets to me and I feel that it’s easier to hide away then become a burden to those around me.
I am a loud and talkative person so it’s easy to tell when something is wrong with me. I never want people to know when I’m not okay so I hide myself away and wait for the pain to pass. I’m a firm believer in that there is always someone going through something worse. This is why I don’t tell people when I’m not doing ok. I wouldn’t want to burden anyone with my problems when they could be going through worse themselves. Now my condition is ongoing and very unpredictable, this often means that I spend a lot of time alone and I end up isolating myself from those around me.
During my bad days, Netflix is my only friend. I know that my friends and family are there when I need them but when you do have a disability, you try and hold on to any small ounce of independence you have left. This does mean that I sometimes end up suffering in silence. I’m in a friendship group full of abled-bodied people which sometimes makes it hard for me to speak out to them when I am having a bad day. It’s not because they are bad friends and don’t want to be there for me, it’s just how can they understand something that I’m still learning to understand.
Sometimes the pain gets unbearable and I end up having a bad mental health day as well as a pain day. I can’t explain how I feel on these days, it’s almost as if someone has taken over my mind and I’m on autopilot. I keep myself isolated without realising that I’m actually doing it whilst telling myself that today I’ll have a quiet day. When you can’t explain how you are feeling to those closest to you, it’s hard not to become isolated. I have never felt as alone as I do on my bad days.
Now for a person with mental health issues, the feeling of isolation doesn’t do any good. Feeling all alone and almost like you have no one to turn to is hard. I push people away when I’m not feeling myself and I think it’s safe to say that my isolation is self-inflicted.
Thankfully, I have the outlet that is blogging to help get me out of my dark days and when I get comments from people going through the same thing and they tell me how my blogs relate to them, it makes me feel less alone.
Megan Howse- Blogger Bee.